Update

I originally started this Substack because I knew I had been thrust violently into a liminal space. One that I wanted to record, knowing that as intense as this unbecoming has been one day I will acclimate.

I wanted to be able to one day look back and see through the eyes of the woman who was experiencing this transformation and not through the eyes of the woman who had forgotten.

Most of my posts are a reflection of this upwelling arising from my soul, a strange mark in time asking to be expressed.

That’s not what this is. This is just an update. I’ve been quiet recently (which means the acclimation to my new “normal” is impending) but I’ve also been very busy recently. I wanted to let those that have been following my journey in on what’s been happening.

First of all, I know many were invested in the criminal court case involving the person that so kindly bestowed this life change upon me. Recently I posted a letter I wrote to the woman and mentioned the logistics for me to appear in court and read the letter to her. Essentially I wrote that she has taken enough of what I previously found valuable away from me and I didn’t want to sacrifice another inch in her direction. Or … at least … that’s the story I was telling myself.

I was offered the opportunity to speak to the court over Zoom instead of appearing in person. I was told that she would be escorted to jail right after I read my letter and of course a part of me wanted my Impact Statement (what the court calls these letters) to be one of the last things she heard before she started doing her time.

I told myself that if everything lined up and the sentencing didn’t interfere with my physical rehab I would “appear” and read my letter.

Of course … everything lined up perfectly that I had no excuse to not go through with it.

However me not wanting to read the letter because I didn’t want to invest any time and effort in her direction, away from my goals, wasn’t THE REAL reason I didn’t want to read the letter.

The real reason I didnt want to read it is because never before in my life have I wanted to be heard more. Never before in my life was it more important for another human to understand how their actions have impacted me. Never before have I wanted so badly for a message to CONNECT.

But the way I am wired … I expect what matters most to me to get shut down. That when my heart has something meaningful to say … by expressing that … I will only receive pain.

The thought of me reading that letter and not having it connect haunted me.

But … since everything lined up perfectly … I went through with it … and realized my expectation that I won’t be heard (or received) is an old wound that’s been controlling me for a lifetime.

Once I found out the name of the woman that hit me I immediately went on her social media and blocked her. I didn’t want to torture myself in that way. In no way have I interacted with her as another person. I still haven’t really.

There was a moment, though - when I began reading I started crying immediately and through the court room I heard her cries as well.

A part of me recoiled, as that part of me didn’t want to connect to her as a human.

But … here we were … forever and irreparably connected. Me and her … crying together. A moment that pierced the distance of two.

My fear that the letter wouldn’t land was completely unfounded. The judge said it was one of the most impactful statements he had heard in his career and that he hoped I would continue sharing my story to groups of people … if only to hopefully prevent others from drinking and driving.

So ….

Back to that wound of being completely unable to express myself without fear of being hurt. If you know me in person you know that for the last few years I’ve been undergoing a deep process of healing and learning to love myself. I wasn’t quite sure HOW this protective, isolating shell had taken hold of me … but I knew I needed to break out of it. And I did recently. In recent years I finally found the ability to express and share myself and love in the world. A fresh newly emerged butterfly, wings not yet dry. I had barely tasted flight.

Then the accident happened.

And I got thrust RIGHT back into the environment that created the original wound in the first place. I saw EXACTLY how I ended up the way I was spiritually. Quickly the protective shell and isolation started rolling back in. The beauty and joy that I had finally found the ability to share freely could no longer be expressed. Once again I was the scared, isolated child, creeping around on eggshells and only safe when I was alone.

So. I moved recently (again). You’d think the worst part of this journey would be what I’m dealing with physically, it hasn’t been. The hardest part was moving back “home”. To me, there are some things that are much worse than paralysis. I’m now in a new place and hopefully, as the dust settles, I can re-soften and share love openly again.

Another big change is the day after I moved I went into the hospital for a surgery that will hopefully make dealing with my injuries (and travel) a lot easier. There’s a lot of you I miss and look forward to seeing and this procedure makes that much easier for me.

I was in the hospital for a week (which … to be honest … I’m kind of a pro at now) and since then I’ve been healing and not allowed to participate in physical therapy…I will *hopefully* be returning to my normally scheduled programming in a week or so.